Monday, July 30, 2012

Apple Using Its Religion

NEW YORK - In a surprise announcement, Apple has disclosed that beginning today, all products sold in New York will be free of the state's typical 4.5% sales tax. The announcement follows a story from the Associated Press revealing that yoga studios are exempt from New York sales tax due to their status as religious institutions. According to the AP, the Department of Taxation and Finance found that yoga "is predominantly a spiritual practice" and should therefore be exempt from the tax.
Astute industry observers may recall a study performed by the BBC last year which found "Apple was actually stimulating the same parts of the brain as religious imagery does in people of faith." According to Apple, it's own stable of godly gadgets far surpass yoga in religious significance. We received the following statement from an Apple spokesman:
Where you find religion, you find disagreement. Nothing has caused more derision in the history of the world than religion. But yoga, really? Who hates yoga? If yoga studios have achieved religious status, surely Apple's decades-old crusade of fanboys versus haters should be granted religious status.
We have reached out to Google for comment, but they have not responded. However, a reliable source has found references to an unannounced Google project named "G-had" that is believed to be the company's planned response to the Apple announcement.
In other Apple news:

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Apple Patents Conversational Speech

In a surprise announcement, the US Patent and Trademark Office has granted Apple a Siri-related patent that covers conversational speech. Patent 990,225,666 - dubbed the '666 patent - covers common grammatical structures for questions and statements used in conversational communication.

We reached out to Apple for comment and were immediately issued an injunction for violating the '666 patent. They did respond, however:

"We realize the broader societal implications of this patent. However, we strongly feel that this technology is not standards-essential and we will not be licensing it under FRAND terms. We fully intend to allow users of Apple products to continue to communicate with each other and with Siri as they do today. For others, we can recommend several iBooks on topics ranging from grunting, to cave drawing, hieroglyphics, and runes. Please keep in mind that mankind has been communicating for millenia; far longer than communication in its current form has existed."

Shortly after the announcement, Samsung released a prepared statement announcing a new version of their wildly popular Android customization known as TouchWiz. The new version, named "TouchWiz Yoda UX", works around the '666 patent by contorting common grammatical structure like a Cirque du Soliel performer. When asked for a comment, Samsung responded "like Yoda UX, you will. Mmm hmm."

Samsung will be debuting TouchWiz Yoda UX on its upcoming Jelly Bean updates. They have vehemently refused to provide schedules for said updates and have deferred to the carriers. We reached out to multiple carriers who in chorus simply replied "Huh?"
This story is still developing. Stay tuned for updates....maybe...ask the carriers.